As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
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Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…