What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
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I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok