Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
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It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!