Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
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My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
lmfao
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?