Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
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Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?