The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
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[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry