INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
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I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Anime is real
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
The first one, obviously