bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
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6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
i choose….tongue
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.