Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
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My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Clients after you give them your rates
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Bro what is this
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”