Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
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[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Chicken bread
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)