*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
You Might Also Like
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
every. time.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.