The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
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Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?