HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
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Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
wishing you and yours all the best
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor