hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
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My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party