“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
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All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.