What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
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Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*