Lucky old June.
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McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*