Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
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I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.