Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
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Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.