[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
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My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle