“Great, now I have to pee.”
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I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
This bar smells like my childhood.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday