In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
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“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
fired
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.