Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
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My dad is at it again
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart