Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
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Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
i can’t wait that long
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”