Sending in my taxes
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When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.