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It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Me, flirting😏
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace