[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
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In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.