stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
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Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
😲 WTF? 😆
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*