Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
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As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Planet of the Apps.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
When ur friends with white people
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.