Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
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*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.