My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
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[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people