For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
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Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
This came to me in a dream.