WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
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No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!