sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
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*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I think my mom just blocked me
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon