I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
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Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe