Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
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Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.