A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
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Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
If looks could kill
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?