U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
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The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?