Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
You Might Also Like
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Cool shirt 🙂
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I’m calling the cops.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
dutch is not a serious language
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.