Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
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The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them