The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
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Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Just got to our Airbnb!
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.