Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
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[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Seals are just dog mermaids.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
when u come home smelling like another dog
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts