Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
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*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]