therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
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Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.