‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
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My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.