when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
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Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Mornin
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
it’s a van. how do they not know this
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
I can’t stop laughing at this
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.