doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
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restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Mornin
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet