Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
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Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
this could fix me
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Solving a traffic jam
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”