Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
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how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up