Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
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“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet